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It’s time to move on.

Pouss has been probably the best relationship of my life, but we both want to see other people and it’s clear that we’re going to be better off as friends. Dating a younger person hasn’t bothered me, but she really has a very different life to lead than I do, and there are major social and cultural differences between us.

With all this in mind, I am seriously looking for a woman to spend time with. It doesn’t have to be a sexually intimate relationship (cross-species issues prevented anything of this kind with Pouss), but I do like physical closeness, shared time together, and a lot of communication. For any of the ladies who might be interested, here are some of the things I’ve come to like and dislike over the last couple of years.

* It’s great that you like it when I kiss you on top of the head and hold your hand. I like sharing those things.

* I understand that when you lick my elbow for 20 minutes that you are showing affection, but please don’t. It leaves a red spot on my arm.

* Mealtimes should be a shared joy. I know that food is important to a lot of people, and so is punctuality, but my own enjoyment of our time together isn’t enhanced when you yowl for 20 minutes before you’re fed.

* I do like a woman who is warm and pleasant to the touch, but maybe next time less facial hair would be a plus.

* Although I am sensitive to the problem of eating disorders in society and I do not wish to be cold and rejecting about someone’s pain, it has struck me as odd that someone would eat that much and then insist on wolfing down half the lawn and vomiting on the couch. I think I’d like a less dramatic approach to food in my next gal.

* If you communicate with me that you like having your belly rubbed, I’ll do that for you. But you have to listen to me when I ask you not to stand on my neck.

* I’m a responsive and sensitive person, and I will attend your needs. There is no need to jump on the table, or to rustle plastic bags in the night. Just tell me, and I’ll talk to you.

* No matter how much you knead my breasts, I cannot produce milk. The whole thing is painful for both of us; just drop it.

* It’s totally ok in the relationship if you need, in the deepest darkest hours of the early morning, to run about the house screaming and clutching a stuffed catnip-filled duck in your mouth. I’m used to it.

So, I’m on the market again. I feed you, I know where you want to be scratched, and I’m good to fall asleep on. I hope I’ve been honest and forthright about my issues and needs, and I hope to find that special someone soon.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 21st, 2003 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.